Monthly Archives: June 2013

He-Could-Be-Single

I am a single gal.  I go from being okay to not being okay with it.

Throughout my single years, I have heard a lot of insensitive and thoughtless, well, for lack of a better word, crap.  (Sorry, I’m a farm-girl.)  It’s usually the well-intentioned people who make me the most neurotic.

I quite like the blame-the-victim-mentality.  “Maybe you’re being too picky?”  I have dated some jerks in my time, and for whatever crazy and inane reason, have wanted to date jerks.  I should probably be more “picky”.

And, then there’s the “he-could-be-single”.  “Just because he has a ring on his left finger, doesn’t mean he’s married.”  Right, maybe he’s just trying to ward off all the crazy women.  “What about the picture of the woman in his office?” I ask.  I am told, “Well it could be his sister.” A bit exasperated, I say, “But, I saw him kissing that woman in the picture on the street yesterday.”  The response, “That doesn’t mean he’s seriously dating her. What’s wrong with you, Ellie?”  What’s wrong with me is that people think that a guy who smooches some random girl in public is good enough for me.

Or my personal favorite, the constant assertion that “You might meet someone…on vacation, in the elevator, in church….” it makes me crazy, constantly looking around at every guy, wondering, “Are you it?” This is the point when neurosis begins to sink in. I believe there may be medicine available for that.

I just read an article about the cultural belief that “the One” is out there, just waiting for me.  Apparently, Canadians believe in true love.  Sounds awfully romantic, but not realistic.  I am of the mindset that each of us could match up quite well with different people.

After being rejected time and time again, I have begun to wonder about this ‘matching’ thing.  I am Christian, and in some ways lean toward being quite conservative, but in other ways am quite liberal.

I feel like there are a lot of Christian guys, who are conservative and serious!  No fun at all, and certainly not looking for a girl like me.  Dull people want dull people.  I am not saying this to insult or offend, I just mean if you’re a serious person, you probably lean more toward choosing someone who is likewise serious.  It’s just you bore me to tears.

They say “opposites attract”, but do they really?  I find it interesting that when you meet one-half of a couple, the science-math-minded one, you can almost bet money that the other-half is artistic.  However, I am beginning to wonder if this is a rarity.  I think I know more people who are “alike” than not.

Again, serious people generally tend to choose serious people.

Part of me thinks you’d be better off choosing someone fun like me, but then the other part of me, thinks, “Ugh, I’d have to put up with you!  And, you’re dull!”

So, thank you, thank you, thank you boys, for not choosing me, and bringing me down wondering how to lighten you up!!

Life on the fun-side is fantastic!!  The sad thing is, you don’t even know what you’re missing.

Blessings.  🙂

Father’s Day

Given I wrote a Mother’s Day blog, it seemed appropriate to write a Father’s Day blog.  It’s just kind of hard to.

My bio-dad is an alcoholic.  We have had an on-again, off-again relationship, due to his excessive drinking, calling me up, and leaving me pretty horrible messages on my answering machine.  Doesn’t really leave me warm and fuzzy, just pissed off.  I decidedly blame him for my singleness, and that I don’t really trust men.  I heard once that father’s should do what they say they’re going to do.  Otherwise, it will affect the child’s ability to trust.  I.e., if you say you are going to come and pick up your kid for the weekend, then do it.  My dad was notorious for canceling last minute.  I would cry.  And, every time, the trust I had for people and in particular men, began to diminish, bit by bit.  By the time I became an adult, it was pretty well ingrained in my mind that men cannot be trusted in word or deed.  Feminism gave me  wonderful outlet to express my anger.

My step-dad and  I argued quite a bit.  He raised me, so I feel like he is more of my ‘dad’.   But, that relationship was hard too.  He worked a lot.  To spend time with him, I would watch Star Trek and Coronation Street Sunday mornings.  This was our bonding time.  We would sometimes throw the baseball back and forth, but I was kind of a wimpy girl’s girl and he had big farmer muscles.  I would always complain that he was throwing the ball too hard, and he would say he wasn’t.   The ball stopped.

We would go skating.  He would tie up my laces for me.  Again, I would complain about the tightness.  He finally told me to lace them up myself.  I couldn’t skate really well either way.  When my step-dad tied them, I would lose all circulation in my feet due to the tightness of the laces.  When I had to tie them, the laces would be too loose and I would have no ankle support whatsoever.  I couldn’t win.

Father’s Day has been redeemed though.  I now see God as my Father.  Of course, I use God as a ‘thumbing my nose’ at my dads down here, the imperfect, impatient, sometimes unkind and verbally abusive dads.  I seem to say, “Up yours.  I found something better.”  And, God is better.  But, I obviously have to improve my attitude.

I do love my dads, both of them.  They have some good qualities about them.  Maybe I should think on that this Father’s Day?  Instead of dwelling on their imperfections, I should meditate on the good things they have given me, like my long eyelashes.  (My mom is seriously jealous over my long eyelashes.)    My bio-dad has given me an off-beat sense of humor.  (Some people do not appreciate this!)  My step-dad has given me a good work ethic.  I am sure that I gleaned something of his strength (as well as my mother’s strength) in tough and lean times that has sustained me over the years.

I am also sure God had a plan in mind in allowing these two men to be a part of my life.  I am not sure entirely what that plan entails, but I trust Him.  I know that God is good, and never intends to harm me.  Today, I choose to rest in the knowledge that God is in control.  As the preacher said today in church, I can have faith in the truth that God is “loving, caring and compassionate”.

So, Happy Father’s Day, Dads.  And, Happy “Abba’s” Day, God.  Amen!

 

My beau – C.S. Lewis

In the Four Loves, C.S. Lewis said this:  “The husband is the head of the wife just in so far as he is to her what Christ is to the Church – read on – and give his life for her (Eph. V, 25). This headship, then, is most fully embodied not in the husband we should all wish to be but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion; whose wife receives most and gives least, is most unworthy of him, is – in her own mere nature – lease lovable. For the Church has not beauty but what the Bride-groom gives her; he does not find, but makes her, lovely. The chrism of this terrible coronation is to be seen not in the joys of any man’s marriage but in its sorrows, in the sickness and sufferings of a good wife or the faults of a bad one, in his unwearying (never paraded) care or his inexhaustible forgiveness: forgiveness, not acquiescence. As Christ sees in the flawed, proud, fanatical or lukewarm Church on earth that Bride who will one day be without spot or wrinkle, and labours to produce the latter, so the husband whose headship is Christ-like (and he is allowed no other sort) never despairs.”

As I was going through my articles and such, I came across this – I was going to use this in my argument/defence of Paul.  Oops.  This excerpt shows the responsibility on the husband.  I think of an example of a bad wife – Mrs. Bennett from Pride & Prejudice.
Mr. Bennett is doomed!  Although, if a husband has  a wife like Mrs. Bennett, I suppose God in his infinite mercy and wisdom could forgive him his lack of patience and pat jokes.

That said, I am a big fan of C.S. Lewis, an Atheist turned Christian.  He is like a mentor to me, inspiring me as a Christian on how walk this “road less traveled” as Robert Frost wrote.  It is not an easy one.

I love how Lewis could recognize his own weaknesses, never tried to argue a point that was above him, was never condescending to non-believers, nor did he ‘air our Christian church’s dirty laundry in public’.

Someone asked him why he didn’t write the ‘flip-side’ to The Screwtape Letters.  (This story is about how Satan’s demons work in trying to ‘steal’ God’s children – it is nothing short of brilliant.)  He said (and I am paraphrasing) that it is easier for him as a sinner to write about darkness than light.  God is so far above our human condition, he felt awkward, not up to the task!  He could not imagine God’s goodness and love – the subject was too big for him.

He seemed relatively whole – or at least this is what he showed us, his readers.

I mean, the man was clearly a genius!  When people argue that an academic has no place in the church, or that you have to ‘check your brain at the door’ before entering a church, I say “Phooey” to you.  Exhibit ‘A’ – C.S. Lewis.

Okay, maybe ‘Phooey’ isn’t the most mature stance – I imagine C.S. Lewis would never say ‘Phooey’ to a non-believer.

I’m working on it…

 

 

 

Here Comes Pauly – Part II

It’s been awhile since I last wrote in this blog.  I don’t really feel like writing about Paul, but I promised Part II so here it is.

Paul gets hit hard because of Ephesians.  He tells women to keep quiet in church, that a woman should not teach a man, for wives to submit to their husbands.

No wonder the world thinks he was a misogynist.

But, under the main heading in Ephesians 5, “Walk in Love”, Paul says this to wives and husbands:

22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.[a] 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.  (Ephesians 5:22-33; ESV)

I once talked to a Japanese friend about the book “Love and Respect”.  I told her it had to do with women primarily needed to feel loved, while men’s primary need is to be respected.  She agreed.  The basic need of women and men seems to transcend culture, race, East and West.  I thought that was very interesting, and Paul got it.  An unmarried Jewish man understood the basic needs of men and women.  Amazing!

Paul also told men that their prayers would be ‘hindered’ if they did not love their wives.  A man is held to a higher accountability with God if he forsakes the “treasure” God has given him.

Solomon said, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22; NLT).

Paul’s words echo that of King Solomon.  He compares marriage to that of the church, that just as Jesus gave himself up for the church, so too should men give themselves up for their wives.  Otherwise, his prayers will be hindered.  No blessing. No favor from the Lord.

For a misogynist, those are pretty strong words to men.